Ω Drawer: The EULA
If you never thought that something as simple as a drawer needed an End User License Agreement, well, you’d be wrong.
We have a broken drawer at work. Somebody (ahem, cough) put up a EULA in place of the hand-scribbled “CAUTION” sign. Here it is:
and here’s what it says:
CAUTION
BEFORE USING THIS DRAWER, YOU MUST READ AND ACCEPT THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.
End User License Agreement
By using this drawer, you accept the terms and conditions of the following license. Please read these terms and conditions carefully. If you do not accept these terms and conditions, you may use a plastic utensil from another cabinet.
DEFINITIONS: Throughout this license agreement, we will refer to Bloomy Controls, Inc., an incorporated company of Windsor, Connecticut, as “we” and “us.” We will refer to the end user of this drawer as “you” and “user.” We will refer to the drawer as “drawer” or “cabinetry.”
TERMS AND CONDITIONS: By using this drawer, you agree to hold harmless and indemnify us, Bloomy Controls, Inc., from all damages, liabilities, suffering, pain, torture, and/or spasms caused by intense laughter upon reading these terms and conditions or by using this cabinetry. You furthermore agree to be very careful, because those are some sharp stinkin’ staples over there. I mean, seriously! You could really hurt yourself on one of them. It is interesting to note that staples would have never been used in cabinetry of yesteryear. They’d have been dovetailed and would be just about indestructible. By “yesteryear,” we mean something like 1930 and not 1980, because even though 1980 was fairly long time ago—probably before most of you “users” were even born—particle board and staples were already in widespread use[citation needed]. Maybe your parents weren’t even born yet. Hard to know, really. This is, after all, an End User License Agreement and not a crystal ball. Anyway, we digress.
If you accept these terms and conditions, you may use this drawer on exactly one kitchen counter. You may not possess, reverse engineer, disassemble, or reinstall the drawer on any other kitchen counter. This license does allow you to fix the drawer if you are properly qualified to do so. If you are not properly qualified to do so, good. You weren’t hired to be a carpenter. But if you are properly qualified to do so, then please don’t spend your time fixing it—go program or write software or engineer stuff or be accountants and administrators and stuff. But enjoy your lunch. Carefully. Please.
(x) By eating my lunch and enjoying it, I accept these terms and conditions.
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