Ω Eccles Rates AAPL a "Buy a lot!"

Citing nothing more than a seat-of-the-pants hunch, Eccles Chief Analyst and Bottlewasher Bill Eccles upgraded his rating of Apple Incorporated from “Wow!” to “Buy a lot!” In keeping with the Wall Street Analyst Code of Conduct, though, he cited meaningless statistics and rumor to validate his change in rating.

Eccles said, “I see about half of Wall Street saying it’s a ‘hold’ (Wall Street lingo for ‘Run for the exits!’) and the other half of Wall Street saying ‘buy’ (Wall Street lingo for ‘Buy’). With this kind of volatility, I’ve got to cover my shorts and longs and encourage people to buy the stock. You know, because I have some skin in this game, too.” He further cited the incredibly strong sales of iPhones of all models, which are meaningless unless you look at the profit they generate for Apple (which has not commented and will not comment until later today), as further evidence that Apple is doing just, as he put it, “hunky dory.”

Discounting the naysayers who clearly don’t have a clue and are debunked thoroughly about Apple’s product cycles, he added, “Look, it’s all about consumer sentiment. iPhones are still the hottest product out there and they have nothing but room to grow. While Samsung is making inroads into the market, the average consumer doesn’t see this as a zero-sum game, as ‘If Samsung wins, Apple loses’. No, this is more about an ever-expanding market for smartphones in which both Samsung and Apple can win.”

When asked about Microsoft’s phones, he replied, “Microsoft? They make a phone?”

He went on to say that the iPad mini’s dominance in the marketplace has not undercut iPad sales, either. “You buy the one you want.” Citing as evidence he stated, “My mom just got an iPad 4. (Hi, Mom!) With 64GB of storage, too. I mean, she could have bought a mini, but she went all out and bought the full pull. In a family of cutting-edge technologists, this is clearly evidence that the iPad is alive and well.”

When it was pointed out that he has a hand-me-down iPad 2, “which is nothing to sneeze at,” he replied that “I am my own prediction’s fulfillment. APPL has nothing but upside.”

When asked about Microsoft’s tablet, he replied, “Microsoft? They make a tablet, too? Sheesh, the things you learn…”

This statement may contain forward-looking statements derived from Magic 8-Ball or other sources and should not be construed as investment advice.