If you never thought that something as simple as a drawer needed an End User License Agreement, well, you’d be wrong.

We have a broken drawer at work. Somebody (ahem, cough) put up a EULA in place of the hand-scribbled “CAUTION” sign. Here it is:

and here’s what it says:

CAUTION

BEFORE USING THIS DRAWER, YOU MUST READ AND ACCEPT THESE TERMS AND CONDITIONS. PLEASE READ THEM CAREFULLY.

End User License Agreement

By using this drawer, you accept the terms and conditions of the following license. Please read these terms and conditions carefully. If you do not accept these terms and conditions, you may use a plastic utensil from another cabinet.

DEFINITIONS: Throughout this license agreement, we will refer to Bloomy Controls, Inc., an incorporated company of Windsor, Connecticut, as “we” and “us.” We will refer to the end user of this drawer as “you” and “user.” We will refer to the drawer as “drawer” or “cabinetry.”

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: By using this drawer, you agree to hold harmless and indemnify us, Bloomy Controls, Inc., from all damages, liabilities, suffering, pain, torture, and/or spasms caused by intense laughter upon reading these terms and conditions or by using this cabinetry. You furthermore agree to be very careful, because those are some sharp stinkin’ staples over there. I mean, seriously! You could really hurt yourself on one of them. It is interesting to note that staples would have never been used in cabinetry of yesteryear. They’d have been dovetailed and would be just about indestructible. By “yesteryear,” we mean something like 1930 and not 1980, because even though 1980 was fairly long time ago—probably before most of you “users” were even born—particle board and staples were already in widespread use^{[citation needed]}. Maybe your parents weren’t even born yet. Hard to know, really. This is, after all, an End User License Agreement and not a crystal ball. Anyway, we digress.

If you accept these terms and conditions, you may use this drawer on exactly one kitchen counter. You may not possess, reverse engineer, disassemble, or reinstall the drawer on any other kitchen counter. This license does allow you to fix the drawer if you are properly qualified to do so. If you are not properly qualified to do so, good. You weren’t hired to be a carpenter. But if you are properly qualified to do so, then please don’t spend your time fixing it—go program or write software or engineer stuff or be accountants and administrators and stuff. But enjoy your lunch. Carefully. Please.

(x) By eating my lunch and enjoying it, I accept these terms and conditions.

Seriously, Christmas is hard work. After we unwrapped presents…

…we napped.

A friend posted pictures of his sons playing with their Nintendos at their dining room table. It looked like they were in prayer, so I hacked this together:

Our Nintendo, which art on the table,
Hallowed by thy games.
My high score is won, my brother’s be none,
On Mario Kart as it is on Super Mario.
Give us this day our daily cheat code,
Up up down down left right left right B A,
As we forgive those who use it against us.
And lead us not into Bowser’s Castle,
But deliver stuff from Amazon.
For mine is the Mario, the power up and the Luigi,
For Yoshi and Birdo,
Amen

Next up: “Hail Mario, full of grease…”

It’s about time that the media shed the pretense of being “unbiased” and came clean right up there in the masthead.

“NEW YORK TIMES—Today’s Edition: 89% liberal”

“FOX NEWS: Trying to be 50/50, but looking a little imbalanced these days”

“WASHINGTON POST: We’re owned by a big-time Obama contributor. What do you think you’re going to get?”

“MSNBC: We’re not even trying.”

“CNN: Wait, we’re still relevant?”

I never knew Google’s “that little guy” was called Pegman until today, when I also noticed that he is attired for the season.

Is that an Internet in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I know, I know… Correlation is not causation. But do you really think Adobe engineers weren’t fried when they designed their installers?

Citing nothing more than a seat-of-the-pants hunch, Eccles Chief Analyst and Bottlewasher Bill Eccles upgraded his rating of Apple Incorporated from “Wow!” to “Buy a lot!” In keeping with the Wall Street Analyst Code of Conduct, though, he cited meaningless statistics and rumor to validate his change in rating.

Eccles said, “I see about half of Wall Street saying it’s a ‘hold’ (Wall Street lingo for ‘Run for the exits!’) and the other half of Wall Street saying ‘buy’ (Wall Street lingo for ‘Buy’). With this kind of volatility, I’ve got to cover my shorts and longs and encourage people to buy the stock. You know, because I have some skin in this game, too.” He further cited the incredibly strong sales of iPhones of all models, which are meaningless unless you look at the profit they generate for Apple (which has not commented and will not comment until later today), as further evidence that Apple is doing just, as he put it, “hunky dory.”

Discounting the naysayers who clearly don’t have a clue and are debunked thoroughly about Apple’s product cycles, he added, “Look, it’s all about consumer sentiment. iPhones are still the hottest product out there and they have nothing but room to grow. While Samsung is making inroads into the market, the average consumer doesn’t see this as a zero-sum game, as ‘If Samsung wins, Apple loses’. No, this is more about an ever-expanding market for smartphones in which both Samsung and Apple can win.”

When asked about Microsoft’s phones, he replied, “Microsoft? They make a phone?”

He went on to say that the iPad mini’s dominance in the marketplace has not undercut iPad sales, either. “You buy the one you want.” Citing as evidence he stated, “My mom just got an iPad 4. (Hi, Mom!) With 64GB of storage, too. I mean, she could have bought a mini, but she went all out and bought the full pull. In a family of cutting-edge technologists, this is clearly evidence that the iPad is alive and well.”

When it was pointed out that he has a hand-me-down iPad 2, “which is nothing to sneeze at,” he replied that “I am my own prediction’s fulfillment. APPL has nothing but upside.”

When asked about Microsoft’s tablet, he replied, “Microsoft? They make a tablet, too? Sheesh, the things you learn…”

This statement may contain forward-looking statements derived from Magic 8-Ball or other sources and should not be construed as investment advice.

I don’t really care if Hasbro makes a “gender-neutral” Easy-Bake Oven or not. What I want to know is what the cook time is for a cake with a compact florescent bulb in the oven when we can’t buy incandescents anymore.

Here’s the caption:

A worker breaks bedrock by sledge hammer as a rotary dredge rips the coal face of the Borodinsky opencast colliery near the Siberian town of Borodino on November 15, 2012….(Ilya Naymushin/Reuters)

Seriously? With a sledge hammer?

I don’t know why, either.

The ringing phone at the end makes for the perfect ending.

via NowIKnow.com

Go ahead. Click. I then dare you to watch less than the whole thing.

Seriously. I dare you.

I double dare you.

I double dog dare you.

(Gotta’ live up to the “Now with 100% more dogs!”, you know.)

One question Kottke didn’t ask: Why are there so many dash cams in Russia?

via Shawn Blanc

In the news, the NYC Marathon was cancelled. Wow, talk about your last-minute reversals.

Bad news for Obama, though: I hear Bloomberg will be changing his endorsement to Romney on Tuesday evening.

(Bloomberg’s always giving us the runaround. Now he’s running around in flip-flops.)

My dad on his choice of beer:

I chose Miller because Bud involves big horses, although both are tiresome yellowish liquid.

My dad is cool.

So I’m going to change careers and become a comedian. Here’s my first joke:

Waka waka wakaaaaa!!

(Thanks to William for that one. I’m working on my own material in the meantime.)

Did you watch the Apple iEvent?

Did you get sick of seeing Al Gore?

iDid.

(Seriously, a zillion people in the audience, and they kept showing the same five or so. Worship iGore much, Apple?)

If only all of them were this easy.

I did not know that 50 Cent had a little brother, Tencent, and he’s a Chinese web entrepreneur. Here’s where I found this little gem:

Tencent and TCL unveil Ice Screen: a 26-inch Android-based smart TV — Engadget

If you like Downton Abbey, this is absolutely frickin’ hilarious, and well worth your time.

Part I

Part II

As reported here, Hamilton Sundstrand and Goodrich Corporation just merged.

Please call us “Good Ham Sundrich” from now on.

Thank you for your cooperation.

(Thanks, Ray.)

(“Competes”? C’mon, guys. Your write for a living…)